How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
