I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
