made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
