Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
