Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
