my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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