I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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