so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
