Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Randomize
