in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He had one of those small greek statue penises
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
