Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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