So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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