Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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