Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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