i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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