I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
