So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
