if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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