Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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