Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
