Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
