1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
