Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
