I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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