That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
