The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
