I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
