I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
