someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
