he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
