saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
