i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
