I think my fart just growled at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We are all done wearing pants today
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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