Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
