At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
