i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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