Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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