We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
