I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
