and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so let's talk penis.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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