I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
