do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
