I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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