Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
