i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
