I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
