my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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