I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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