4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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