He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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