you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
