the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
