I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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