I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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