i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
