WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
